LOSING FRIENDS IN MY THIRTIES

A peculiar thing happened when I hit the 30-year mark that I was not even vaguely aware of nor even prepared for when I was coasting through my twenties: my friendship circles started getting smaller and smaller. If you know me personally, you’d know I kept a variety of friendship circles from my university days to my advertising life. Weekends (and even weekdays) were devoted to catching up with these friends – clubbing, drinking, and trying out hot new places in Singapore, especially. Timeout SG was my lifestyle bible and I obsessively scoured though several other events websites and pages so I was updated on the latest and the bests. I was your typical social butterfly: flitting from one event, bar, restaurant, club, group to another on a normal night out or weekend. It was rare for me to just have one appointment in one night, even rarer for me to be stuck at home on any given day – large social groups and incessant social outings with these friends were my ultimate highs. I lived and craved for them as though they were the lifelines that I desperately needed to show that I had a well-lived life – or in millennial-speak, #YOLO. It was a fun and carefree, yet ultimately exhausting, inauthentic and expensive lifestyle.

If your friends are only there for the happy times & they abandon you during the difficult moments, maybe it's time to let them go

Somewhere along the journey to my thirties, my friendship circle starting getting smaller. I'm talking about real friends, not social media friends. :) A group I used to hang out with was a conscious disengagement decision on my part because I realized our time together took me on a dark path to alcoholism. Another group disintegrated because we all took different jobs at different companies. A group of guys started uninviting me to their kiddie parties and family events because frankly, I was an outcast in that crowd of mothers and fathers being the last single, childless and partner-less invitee. I left another circle when I grew tired of their aversion to change and incessant complaints of being stagnant in life despite all the help and advice I gave them (you can’t help people who refuse to help themselves!). A former BFF and I lost touch because she married and had kids, while I was still in a different life stage at that point. One ex-friend was a black hole who constantly gave out negative energies - no one needs that kind of toxicity in their lives! Some moved to different timezones and the geographical distances were death sentences to our relationships. Several were travel friends I met and lost touch with or never saw again. A few decided to unfriend me in real life when they climbed higher up the corporate rungs. Others mysteriously went MIA. The rest, I’ve simply outgrown – and vice versa - no matter how snooty or self-serving that may sound, that's just how it was.

Previously, the death of these relationships made me sad. Of course now, I know they were for the best. And as we all know, everything happens for a reason and I harbor no ill feelings towards those who left me and I hope the same is true for those I left behind.

Endings are like sunsets , they remind us there's always a new beginning just waiting to happen on the horizon

Recently, the death of friendships in our 30s is a topic discussed more and more with several friends. I thought that it was simply because I had become more choiceful of the company I keep: that it was an exercise in social cleansing and just a series of wiser personal choices, but I realized after talking to a few girl friends that they too, have experienced or are experiencing this. It is actually a curiously common and normal social phenomenon! Yes, it's perfectly NORMAL. Now that I'm aware of it, a simple Google search revealed thousands of web articles written about it. We are not alone! :)

There’s no shame or stigma to it, it is what it is. We found it funny because in our younger years’ naivety, we never thought the day would come that we would be able to count the number of friends we regularly interact with on one or two hands, when previously, we could barely keep up with social invites. There are no regrets at all; it’s an all-too natural progression in life and for some, a conscious decision to disengage with people we no longer have a heartfelt affinity with.

For me, I actually welcome the change of having fewer friends. If this social phenomenon taught me one thing, it would be: QUALITY OVER QUANTITY. Nothing earth-shattering here, just the simple and honest truth.

A few of the travel friends I lost touch with

I still have regular acquaintances because I personally think it would be a shame to fully shut our doors to people who come in and out of our lives momentarily: they can teach us a lesson, they can help us grow out of our comfort zones, they can challenge us with their wildly different perspectives, backgrounds, life stage, and upbringing, and often, they are simply there at the same place and time as I am when I crave for instant companionship. We meet these types everywhere: colleagues at work, people we meet while traveling, friends of friends, networking or industry pals, etc. Not to say that these people can not in any way become our closest friends - because they can - but from personal experience, I have deeper and more lasting connections with people that I have spent longer periods of time with. I'm also not saying that our closest friends are not able challenge or fulfill any of what I mentioned above - because they can - but let’s face it, when you really think about it, the lasting company we keep more or less have the same value systems (not talking about personality traits; dig deeper!) as us and there’s a certain homogeneity with the key friends we hold dear.

You gotta find your "Wilsons": the ones who will stay for the tough times

The few truest friends I consider to be in my inner circle (for lack of a better term) are the ones truly worth keeping: the ones I make an effort to communicate with on a regular basis (all too often, I am guilty of not reaching out as often as I would like to - but I digress), the ones I would trust with my life, the ones whom I share my deepest secrets with, the ones I'm not afraid to show vulnerability to, the ones who – even after months or years of not seeing each other face to face - are still as close to my heart as when I last saw them. A friend asked me what my criterion was for keeping these friends and I always respond with: these are the friends that I truly know, deep in my heart, will have my back when life throws me curve balls. Suffice to say I would do the same for them. These are the ones who will support me through the bad and the ugly. The ones who will help me pick up the shards of my broken life when things get tough. The ones who will give me some honestly brutal and tough love when the situation calls for it. The ones who will not turn their backs on me during my most desperate moments. The ones who will keep their heads high for the both of us when I am too downtrodden to do so myself. The ones who will hold my hand until I get through the worst of times.

… Because the worst of times, my friends, is the ultimate test of any relationship.

HAPPY WEEKEND, FOLKS! x

#selfdiscovery